Walking away from the Church

I have spent most of my life calling myself a Christian. When I was 19 I fully committed to God and made the decision to follow Him, whatever that meant.

But life changes, circumstances change, we grow up, nothing stays the same; and I have come to the conclusion that, for the foreseeable future at least, I don’t want to call myself a Christian. I don’t want to go to Church. I don’t want to be define by my beliefs.

Recent events have made me realise that I don’t think any god is in control of my life, or the life of anyone else. I believe that there’s something in the universe that makes our lives work out the way they do but I don’t think it’s anything so strict or rigid that there’s a book about it.

Some of you will worry about me; you’ll think the Devil has got me, you’ll pray for me. But I’m okay, I’m really okay, we’re all okay. I’m figuring life out and I’m figuring out how to be happy, and that’s something I was never able to do before. Something I was never able to do when I was part of the Church, while I was trying so hard to find God. I’ve found my own strength, and being able to own that is so freeing. To know that I can conquer all the things I’m afraid of is so unbelievably freeing. 

Life was dark for a while. On the days I couldn’t get out of bed it was so dark. But the sun is brightening up the sky and I can see the beauty in things again and I don’t need a god to help me do that. It’s just me and the people I love. I have some great people in my life and I’ll never be able to thank them enough for being around the past few months, as I’ve gone through all this insanity.

But for now I’m just figuring out me, I’m figuring out how I want to live; and I’m really okay.

Strength

The window is wide open and I’m listening to the rain pour down as if waterfalls are descending from the heavens.

It’s washing everything away; all the dirt and rubble, everything that tore my heart in two. Things aren’t okay, the problems aren’t gone, but I finally have clarity.

I am strong. I am so unbelievably strong and I deserve to know and accept that.

I have motivation to go running again.
I don’t know where the heck it came from but I have motivation.
I have motivation to eat well, to go to bed at a decent hour, to get up to see the sunrise.

I was driving home today and the wind was so strong I felt like it might blow my car off the road, but in the distance I saw a flock of birds getting ready to go to bed. I said to myself out loud, “How on earth do they manage to fly in this wind?”

They do it because they have to; they do it because there’s no other way to get to the tops of the tallest trees.
It’s just like life, isn’t it? I have gotten through the tough days because I have to, because there’s no other way to reach the things I want, because the opposite of life is death and I don’t want that.

I want to see everything this world has to offer me, I don’t want to miss any chances, I don’t want to ignore any possibilities.

And there is rest; just like the birds find their rest when they land in their trees, we sleep every night too.
I sleep every night! I can sleep again!

What I’m going through is a roller coaster; it has its ups and downs and what I’m experiencing now probably won’t last forever. But every time I feel like this, every time I feel strong, it gives me some hope that one day I’ll always be able to feel like this, and it reminds me that no one but me can build this strength. I have done this, I have grown this. I’ve had many people encouraging me and I’ll never thank them enough but, at the end of the day, no one but the individual can become who they want to be.

There is so much beauty in these rainy nights; always be grateful for them.

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