You get what you give

The clocks went forward last night, which means that right now, at 7:04 pm on the 30th of March 2014, it’s still broad day light and my heart feels so content. I adore spring, I adore this time of year, because it’s when the world starts to grow again; it’s when I start to grow again. Winter is all about the shedding of painful memories and broken dreams, but spring is for new life.

I turn 24 in just under two weeks.
A lot has happened since my last birthday and I already know this one will be the best I’ve had in a long time. I have plans; real life plans to look forward to, and some of the best people in the world to share my excitement with. I’ve come to realise in recent months that I neither want or need lots of friends, just a few brilliant ones who I know I can count on.

Two weeks ago I put my foot down with someone and removed them from my life. It hurt terribly to think I’d lost a friend when I don’t have all that many, but when I accepted that this person was only bringing me down I realised that it was the best thing I could’ve done. I’ve realised how strong I am too, to have walked away from it knowing that it wasn’t doing me any good. Up until a few days ago I kept thinking it over, kept feeling anger and resentment towards the person, but on Thursday I got incredibly upset and a good friend told me to stop torturing myself with my thoughts; it was the best advice I’ve been given. Not only because it means I’ve had an amazing, chilled out weekend, finding myself smiling at the realisation of how far I’ve come, but also because I’m in a position to be able to do that now. In November if someone had told me this I wouldn’t have been capable of controlling my thoughts.

Slowly, yet surely, I’m falling in love with who I am, both on the outside and the inside. I’m one of few women who is able to love their exterior and not worry what people think. I work out and, honestly, sometimes worry that I’m doing this for the benefit of others, but also know I don’t detest or want to change any part of my body. I do a lot of yoga, which relaxes the mind and tones the body, and since the evenings are getting brighter I want to get back into running again.

I’ve learnt a lot of brilliant personality traits from my friends and I’ve become a more empathetic, courageous, confident person. I probably still complain too much but I have a far more positive outlook on life than I used to and would like to think that I’ll be able to nip that one in the bud soon. It’s safe to say that I like who I am, and can’t wait to see who I become.

This time last year I was a shell of who I am now, but today I found myself driving to Tesco with the stereo turned up belting out the words to You Get What You Give like an absolute fool, knowing that everyone driving past could see me yet not caring at all.

So friends, give the song a listen and remember:

“When the night is falling,
and you cannot find the light, 
If you feel your dream is dying,
Hold tight…”

x

 

 

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Attack of the Christian.

Yesterday I posted this status on Facebook:

The amount of married Christian couples who’ve deleted me off facebook in recent months says a lot for the Church I used to go to and for the faith I used to be a part of that claims to love everyone.

And after having done so received this message (I’ve edited a few things to allow the sender to retain anonymity):

Just heard what you posted about being deleted off Facebook by us. Just want to put somethings straight. [My husband] was deleted by you. He didn’t delete you. Secondly, the reason why I deleted you was because I was fed up reading your posts about how crap Christians were and how our beliefs offended you. Also you slagged off [a certain area of the public sector] . I happen to work for them and if [what they do] is not your bag I’m very sorry. I was offended by what you wrote. I see you didn’t put on Facebook about us welcoming you into our house every week and sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings. You didn’t happen to mention that we have prayed for you and continue to pray for you even though you aren’t with us. If you had a problem you should have spoken to us but you didn’t give me the chance to explain. I’m sorry you feel hurt but we also are hurt. God bless you with whatever you are doing and all the best for your future

To be quite frank I find the whole interaction completely hilarious, so I’m going to break it down.

Just heard what you posted about being deleted off Facebook by us.

Really? Your ego is so large that you think, months after it’s happened, my status was only related to you and that there aren’t people in my life who were ten times more important to me who’ve deleted me? Girl, get over yourself. Also, “just heard”? So it’s quite clear someone told her about it, which says a lot about these people too (I’m currently approaching people to find out who it was as I have a good idea).

[My husband] was deleted by you. He didn’t delete you.

That’s pretty funny. Why would I have been upset about it originally and then posted this status if I had deleted him? Or maybe I did it by accident (because I have zero recollection) but as I stated to this lovely woman in my response, I would’ve had no reason to delete either her or her husband from Facebook. The only time I delete someone is when I feel we’re not really friends because the friendship has faded away and I never see them any more and was never close with them in the beginning, and so don’t believe they need to be on my Facebook that is generally pretty private.

Secondly, the reason why I deleted you was because I was fed up reading your posts about how crap Christians were and how our beliefs offended you.

This is probably my favourite part of the whole thing because I constantly see Christians posting Bible verses and worship lyrics and rubbish about being pro-life on my news feed and I ignore it, but when I say how I disagree with Christiantiy and that it’s a bit screwed up sometimes they think “Well, I should delete her!” What?! What happened to loving people and allowing them to have their own opinions, what happened to turning the other cheek? What happened to admitting that there are a lot of Christians in the world who are total dicks? I’ve had so many Christians be really kind to me in recent months. They’ve discussed with me or sympathised with me over the bad treatment I’ve received in the Church, so it’s sad that the ones who take such negative actions seem so prominent.

Also you slagged off [a certain area of the public sector] . I happen to work for them and if [what they do] is not your bag I’m very sorry. I was offended by what you wrote.

I loved this part and I have only one response:
Image

The worst part was that I actually fully support the company she works for in what they do but realise that they regularly have numerous failings and had pointed one of them out and said they really need to step up their game, so I told her I didn’t really know what she was getting at here. But am I supposed to cater my Facebook posts to the social and political beliefs of everyone in my friends? What on earth would be the point in that? At the end of the day if you’re constantly offended by people not agreeing with you you’re going to get burned. Too many Christians have this weird idea that you all have to sit quietly and not argue over anything, but I think if you remember correctly Jesus flipped over some tables one time when he saw some shit was going down in the temple, so it’s pretty important not to be a wilting flower. This is also like me refusing to be friends with someone who doesn’t like the catering establishment I work for; incredibly petty and a wee bit insane.

I see you didn’t put on Facebook about us welcoming you into our house every week and sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings. You didn’t happen to mention that we have prayed for you and continue to pray for you even though you aren’t with us. 

This bit annoys the absolute shit out of me. I’m a generally pretty socially awkward person so social situations can be really tough for me. I went to this group every week and only a couple of people spoke directly to me, and this woman thinks that sharing her “deepest thoughts and feelings” is something I should have felt privileged of? Fuck me, I do that all the time on this blog, you’re not special. And that is such a guilt trip sentence. She’s also sneakily made this paragraph make me feel like every one in the group feels the same way towards me; I do not feel the same way about everyone in the group. And pointing out that they still pray for me when I don’t even hold the same faith or values as the any more? That’s really nice but am I supposed to feel bad about it? I don’t believe prayer works so why would I feel bad that you still include me? Especially when you send me cheeky messages like this, clearly feeling a lot of bitterness towards me? Your prayers mean nothing to me. A few others have told me they’re praying for me, a few other lovely people who really do care, and I appreciate that they care and that they pray because they mean well. YOU do not. YOU are trying to gain Jesus brownie points. Get over yourself.

She also has no idea how happy I was to be a part of the group for the first few months because I was so incredibly lonely and it was my only escape from going to work in my crappy job and being alone, but I guess that’s irrelevant to her now.

If you had a problem you should have spoken to us but you didn’t give me the chance to explain. I’m sorry you feel hurt but we also are hurt.

Good for you. Well done. I feel terrible. *intense sarcasm intended*
It was quite clear from the moment I realised she had deleted me that she had issues with me, and it’s all come out in this message. Does she really think that I would’ve felt comfortable approaching her? When I barely knew her or her husband? When I had clearly never been completely at ease in social situations with the rest of the group? If she was the one deleting me when I had no problems with her should she not have contacted me?

God bless you with whatever you are doing and all the best for your future.

I literally said to her, “Don’t tell me ‘god bless’ when what you really mean is ‘fuck you’.” She’s just trying to make her incredibly cheeky message seem somewhat nice, as if she’s a “good Christian” when she’s actually been a total dick, and I don’t fall for that kind of shit. She doesn’t care about me in the slightest and this message proves that.

I had no intentions of going back to the Church that I used to go to, or any Church for that matter, but this woman alone has claimed her territory and she can have it, because if this is Christianity then I don’t want to be involved in it, honey.

x