I’ve wanted to write for a while but every time I sat down to do so my heart wasn’t in it. But, finally, I’m ready.
Since admitting to the world that I was walking away from the Church I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier or more free in my whole life. I’ve been doing yoga and meditation, I haven’t worried about not being married, I’ve been loving college. I feel like I spent so long believing that any strength I had was in God rather than myself that I forgot how strong I am, and I almost put myself down for not being as strong as him. I was constantly trusting in some higher being to help me do things but, now that I’m free from all of that and have seen just how strong I am, I’ve been able to conquer so many of my fears and I’m consistently happy for the first time in my life.
I’ve thought a lot about religion in general. It’s easier to look at all religions when I’m not a part of one, and it baffles me how similar they are, how they all have an agenda. I think there’s something out there guiding us, I believe that the universe makes things go the way they do and that everything happens for a reason, but I don’t know if it’s something like a god. I think the part that annoys me the most is knowing that I’ll now become a project for some people; they’ll start praying for me but will continue to barely say a word to me and, even when they do, there will always be some sort of intention behind it. I’ve accepted my decision not to be a Christian any more, I just hope that everyone around me can.
I think I stuck to Christianity for so long because it was the easy thing for me to do. I was too scared to walk away from it because it was my comfort zone, I didn’t have a clue what to do without it. But now I’m learning and figuring out life without God and it isn’t all roses but it’s certainly going a lot better than I thought it would. I love all the friends I’ve gained in the past few months, they mean the world to me and they’re far more genuine than a lot of the people I knew before.
Last summer I helped with a kids club in County Cavan and I loved it and was so certain I’d be back again this summer, but I no longer believe what they preach. Before I started college I planned to finish this year and then head to Canada for the foreseeable future, but I’ve just applied for another year in college and might do another year after that if things go well. It’s crazy how inconsistent humans are but that’s why life is so beautiful, nothing stays the same, everything changes and we grow and we open ourselves up to new experiences and walk away from old ones, and if we’re happy that’s all that matters.