Tonight I had a catch up with a friend from the workplace I left in June and she told me about the total mess that it has turned in to since my leaving.
I only really have one thing to say on the matter: I have never found myself feeling as grateful for where I am in life as I do tonight.
Every day I go to college and I find myself stressing out over timing or burning myself or not using enough seasoning or making mistakes that I think are stupid… But I’m learning. I’m constantly learning and am constantly being encouraged by my tutors and classmates.
In my lovely ex-workplace I was made to feel stupid, like I wasn’t good enough, like being bad at that job made me totally incapable of ever doing anything even remotely useful. In recent months I’ve come to realise how big a lie this is, and how I’m actually really damn good at quite a few things, that I’m so entirely blessed with so many different gifts and that they are all things I’m beginning to use on a far more regular basis than I ever did while working.
Sometimes I get stressed out, I get scared, I feel a bit sick, I want to cry… But tonight I realised that I absolutely love it all because I’m growing and I’m learning, and not just in college. I’m more involved with my Church now, I’ve introduced music back into my life on a more permanent basis, and I’m writing more. I’m using every creative outlet I have, I feel like I’m really reaching my potential these days.
But there’s so much more, there’s so much more to learn, there’s so much more time to grow and to experience so many new things. Sometimes I wish I’d done this college thing when I was 18, but I wouldn’t have been ready for it then; I love it now because the timing is perfect. My love of good food wasn’t quite existent until I reached about 20 and when I was 18 all I wanted to do was see bands play every week and write about it.
One of my favourite things about going into college every day is seeing the sunrise. It sounds a little crazy, I know. Who really wants to be up early enough to see the sunrise? But, on clear days, when I’m on the train on my way to Belfast, and the sun is rising and shining across Belfast Lough, making the whole of Belfast and Carrickfergus and all the other little towns on the edge of the Lough this gorgeous orangey golden colour, while the water is so still just waiting for a boat to cover it in ripples, I know I’m doing the right thing.
I came from a situation that forced me into a sense of depression. Every day for ten months I walked through the doors of a metal building that had awful air conditioning and was lit terribly, and sat at a desk for eight hours while being yelled at by total strangers for something that I had no control over and hated every minute of it. I was constantly annoying someone due to the fact that I had been wrongly employed and wasn’t really sure what I was doing.
Now I’m content. The work may be hard, and I may still be terrible for complaining (I’m going to try and work on that one because I really have nothing to complain about and they’re never serious complaints), but I am in a good situation; in fact I’m in a great situation.
And I don’t think this is it either, I think life is only going to improve.