She’s found herself in a maze again.
He was right in front of her and all of a sudden he’s gone, like a kite in inconsistent summer winds that die all too suddenly.
Autumn is creeping in and she’s found herself in new spaces, wondering if she’s been lying to herself for the past ten years, trying to see through all the junk she’s slowly building up around herself, shying away from all the things she used to cling to.
Small talk is her crutch now,
“How’s your week been?”
“Oh, it’s been fine, and yours?”
Do we really care about each other any more? Or do we have to keep hiding who we are and how we feel to make things easier?
I don’t even think she sees beauty in the sunrise these days, I don’t think she cares much for crashing waves or the sound of seagulls at sunrise. We document all these beautiful moments but can’t we just look at them? Can’t we just take them in for five minutes without demanding that they’re documented? Can’t we just breathe them in and remember what they meant to us, can’t we just remember how we felt?
He’s always there, he’s always waiting for us to return, to realise he’s the one we need, but getting to that point isn’t as easy as it sounds.
You have to want it. You have to want to put in the effort to talk to him, to read his book, to be near to him.
But she doesn’t want to.
I don’t want to.
She wants to get to the part where she figures it all out, where she stops being so sceptical of the choices she made, where she stops letting her heart make her decisions but that feels like an eternity away.
And life changes in an instant. You think the moment you’re in will be the most important one forever but ten minutes later it’s all over and the next chapter is already half way finished.
There are no such thing as curve balls, this is just what we should expect every single day.
Nothing stays the same, plans change, people leave, new people take their place.
They may turn their back on you but you have to fight for everything you believe because that’s what matters.
You are not too much but because of your fear of this you make yourself too little; don’t be too little.
Don’t ever think that you’re too small to put up a damn good fight because “though she be but little, she be fierce!”
And sometimes I stay up so late that I can hardly keep my eyes open, but caffeine is no use.
I’m just searching for something better than what I’m putting myself through now, trying to grow stronger, more resilient, but this won’t happen until I’ve lost my apathy and all the things that are hurting me.
We can’t do anything other than one day at a time. We can’t make things go faster, we can’t change where we are in the moment, we can’t turn into a different person, we can’t make something that feels awkward and uncomfortable feel safe all of a sudden. We can’t deny who we are or what we feel. No matter how long we put it to the back of our minds it won’t go away, it will just grow stronger until all we can do is be honest with ourselves.
Nothing is certain right now.
Nothing is clear, nothing is simple.
Now it’s time to get some sleep.