It’s been a while since I wrote something really coherent, and I’m not sure this post will be any different (especially since I’m tired and writing at 12:30 am on a Friday night). Life’s become a bit mental recently, everything has changed; I’m still me but my surroundings are all over the place.
I’m finding myself in one of those weird seasons in life where reading my Bible doesn’t seem too appealing. Sometimes I love reading the Bible but right now I just want to pray. I’ve been stressed out a lot and I keep talking to God and asking for help, and that’s not bad, but I worry that I’m forgetting what He did for me and the fact that it’s not all about me, that it’s 100% about Him.
I’m unsure about a lot of stuff too. Some big stuff, some stuff that a lot of people disagree with me on. I’m once again finding myself in a situation where I’m pretty certain I’m going to get terribly hurt, a situation that I have no control over and that I hate, but a situation that will inevitably help me to grow and that I will walk away from a stronger person, more certain of who I am.
I used to think that when I graduated from university that that would be me finished with growing up, but the closer I got to final semester, and handing in my dissertation, and moving home from Scotland, the more I realised I was no where near being grown up and that I have no idea when anyone really is grown up. I don’t think anyone ever really grows up any more, people just dress better and go to work.
I love college, I love having the opportunity to learn again, but it doesn’t feel like what I know as education. I don’t live with my friends any more, I get the train home every day and eat dinner with my parents. I love home, I love family, I love community, but I’m unsure as to where I am in life any more. So many of my friends are getting married or having kids or starting new jobs, they’re settling down and have figured things out. I still don’t know where I’ll be this time next year; it’s exciting but I miss the security I had as a university student, of knowing that I was in Stirling for four years and that it wasn’t worth worrying about anything after that.
Sometimes I blame myself for not figuring out what I wanted to do before graduating, for not falling in love with the media industry and becoming a wild film critic and writing for Empire magazine, or sticking with the dream of music journalism I had at eighteen and spending all my time seeing bands play and moving to a big city somewhere on the main land. Part of me wishes I’d moved to Glasgow or Edinburgh and found a job, any job, just so I could say I lived in a big, beautiful city in Scotland and hear bagpipes at some point most days and see Haggis in my local Tesco.
Sometimes I’m happy with security, with comfort, with home. Sometimes I want to be the total opposite of the person I am right now. But I know there’s no hope for me in that, for running away from what I know is true and real. It’s not that I’m afraid of the unknown; in fact I’m the total opposite. I travelled across the USA on my own twice, I wanted to move to Poland for a year and teach English if I didn’t get into my catering course, the unknown is my comfort zone. I’m afraid most in the places I do know because they’re reality, they’re what I face on a daily basis.
But I think I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be okay because the lost have to get found at some point. I believe that Jesus does the most work while we wait, while we wonder what’s going on, while we grow increasingly more impatient with life. In those times He is breaking us, moulding us, and shaping us. He lets us get hurt so He can show us how much He loves us when we realise that we need Him and nothing else. Making idols out of anything in life, choosing anything over Him, is always a bad decision. Once again He is going to hem me in, guide me back to Him and tell me He loves me.
I’m okay with that.
I’m okay with that because it means I’m safe, it means everything will be okay, it means truth has prevailed.
I’ve seen Him do so much good in my life before and that won’t change now, that won’t change because my situation is different. Learning to guard my heart and fix my eyes upon Him was one of the most important things I have learnt in the past year.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m content. I am insanely blessed and, when I compare my current situation with where I was a year ago, life almost seems perfect. God has answered all of my prayers, every single one, I’m blessed beyond words. I’m just figuring it all out with Jesus, where on earth my next step will be.
I’ll keep you posted.
PS Don’t hate me for being entirely incoherent. I think every writer probably goes through this…