Not Feeling Like Myself.

Sometimes I question everything.

I become apathetic about the things in life that matter to me and I wonder if I should give it all up and do all the things I say aren’t a part of my life any more, all the things I gave up because they made me too sad. Because sometimes the things that make us sad, that we know aren’t good for us, are the only things that make sense when we consider how big God is, or why we’re trying to be different.

Is who I’m trying to be really having an impact?
Does my hypocrisy not turn people away from the message I’m trying to share with them?
Does the fact that my words and actions don’t always link up not make people wonder what I’m doing with my life?

I just don’t know how to do this life sometimes, how to find beauty, how to create art.

I pick up my guitar and all my inspiration is gone, my voice cracks when I try to sing, I put a pen to paper and all I can think of is writer’s block.

But beauty isn’t found in all the things we do to try and alleviate the pain, it’s not found in avoiding God, it’s not found in anger, it’s not found in giving into our temptations, it’s not found in staying in bed all day.

It’s found in dragging yourself out of bed every day because you know you have to, because you want to live, not just exist. It’s found in being so aware of everything around you, of refusing to shut it out because living through it is the only way to know what it is to be alive. It’s found in waking up to the rain hitting against your window and knowing that you have to walk through that rain but that it’s okay because at least you can walk through that rain. It’s found in walking to the beach after a long day and seeing where the ocean meets the sky; nothing can beat the horizon line.

Acceptance of seasons is not easy but we can’t expect everything to be perfect all the time. Sometimes life is a total breeze, we wake up and enjoy every second of the day. But sometimes it feels like we’re being dragged through life, as if we’re not really taking a single step.

That’s okay. It really is okay. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us, it means we’re alive, it means we know what the good times are like if we know what bad is like too. And this won’t be wasted. This won’t ever be wasted. Every painful time we go through is used to make us stronger, to help us grow, to teach us new lessons.

So don’t ever stop trying, don’t ever stop fighting, don’t ever stop being who you are, because it still matters, I promise.



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