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This evening I have found myself slowly pacing up and down my room, talking to Jesus.
I am truly amazed by Him tonight. By how everything without Him is meaningless, how He brings hope to me in every aspect of my life.
You see, in the current stage of life that I’m in now, the one where I’m a university graduate and I don’t have a job, and it turns out that a degree in journalism, film & media doesn’t really give you too many opportunities, I’d be totally lost if it weren’t for Jesus. Some of you probably think I am lost; I mean I’ve been running around like a headless chicken talking about California and losing money and TEFL courses and finding work in Scotland and Northern Ireland. But, the truth is, I am on exactly the right path.
Around four months ago I booked a return flight to California because I had made myself believe that, by feeling okay about the whole thing, God was telling me I should go for it. There was a slight problem though; I had spent so much time thinking and stressing and wanting, that I’d completely taken my eyes off God. I may have had the best intentions for my time in California, but our intentions are irrelevant when God is telling us something wouldn’t be a good idea. And, as it happens, I shouldn’t have booked those flights. I should have listened to God’s words, not the words I put in His mouth, and decided against it. But I think it had gotten to the point where He knew I wasn’t going to listen, so He stopped trying to get my attention.
Sometimes God does that; He lets us get hurt because He knows it’s the only way He’ll get our attention again. It doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us, in fact it’s the best kind of parenting because He allows us to learn from our own mistakes. He lets us see that when we choose our own path we get hurt, but, when we choose His, the chains are broken and we are free again. The pain stops and we can once again walk without stumbling.
A while ago I read a book called ‘Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldredge. It was about the true heart of a woman, and at one point they quoted these verses:
“Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after he lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.’ She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold – which they used for Baal.”
“Therefore I am now going to allure here; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Anchor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.”
The first passage is speaking about how God will allow us to get lost and hurt until we realise that we need Him more than anything. The second speaks of how He will bless us when we turn to Him again; it’s beautiful and I can see it in my life already.
I am no longer lost. I am more found than I’ve ever been in the past 365 days.
Right now, having finished university, there’s a lot of things I’d like. Things I can actively seek out and search for, and things that won’t come so easily. But I’m ready to take things slowly for a while. I’m ready for this desert period that I’m currently in in which I don’t have a lot of friends to hang out with or plans every day or a whole lot of money. You see, I have enough of everything because I have Jesus. Everything I do or could want would be meaningless without me first gaining a firm foundation in Christ outside of the university bubble.
I can’t live without Jesus any more, I just can’t do it. Everything is truly meaningless without Him.