Being twenty-two, and why that means I can’t be nineteen.

So after being very content in my decision not to go to California, as always, I’m wondering if I should go. Not because I’ve really decided that the situation is a good one to be in, or that the people I’d be working with are any more trustworthy than they were twenty-four hours ago, but simply because I don’t really want to be twenty-two. I don’t want to be an adult, a grown-up, someone who has to be responsible, someone who has to be accountable for their actions.

I’d really like to be nineteen again.

I mean I don’t have a boyfriend, or a job, or a house, or any of that commitment-type stuff right now, so why can’t I just be free and crazy?

I feel boring, predictable, generic. My fifteen-year-old self would laugh in my face right now. She’d say, “What on earth are you doing with your life? Go to California!” She’d then probably start whining about how “awful” her life is, but that’s irrelevant.

You see, the thing is, sometimes God needs us to be responsible. He needs us to step back from the crazy, exciting things that we want and just accept that life isn’t always crazy and exciting. Sometimes you need to stay home for a while, do a four-week intensive course in teaching English, and then look into jobs in a country in which rain and wind visit frequently.

But I adore Scotland, I adore Stirling. California’s a bit fleeting, really. It’s never been my home but Stirling has, it’s seen me at my worst and my best while California has only seen me as a bit of a crazy tourist. I’ve seen Scotland in sunshine, rain, snow, and hail. I’m not sure if Southern Californians know what snow is… (I joke, of course).

But right now the Devil (who I don’t like to talk about much in fear of sounding like a crazy preacher) is doing all he can to make me feel like I’m making a mistake. God doesn’t work based on feelings, He works based on truths and the things He sets in front of us. If He really wants me in California for six weeks He’ll make sure it happens, just like He made sure that I stayed in Stirling for four years. But right now nothing is telling me that He wants me to e-mail the people I’d be staying with and say I’ve changed my mind. Right now I have concrete things in front of me, real plans, things that I shouldn’t take for granted.

Last year I was the luckiest girl in the world because I got to travel, this year I’m the luckiest girl in the world because I get to start chapter three.



5 thoughts on “Being twenty-two, and why that means I can’t be nineteen.

  1. You cannot imagine how I just felt reading this. I sometimes wonder where my years have gone. I mean, I’m ‘only’ 22 as well, but where is that 18-year-old “go and fuck yourselves, I’m leaving now and I’m not coming back”-me. When I was 18 I just decided to leave my home for half a year, without any hesitation. I now see the end of my apprenticeship and am afraid of leaving. Why didn’t I hesitate when I was 18, I had so much more to learn than I have now. It’s weird, I don’t want this responsibilities. I want to be free, and just do whatever I want. It’s easy for me to say now: But if I were you, I’d take the chance to go to California. But you should do what feels right for you 🙂 good luck on either way!

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